The third and final episode is up, but you only have until midnight Sunday to watch before it disappears (until it reappears on DVD, that is). In the meantime, click on the banner to watch for free:
This has been going around the email circuit for a couple of months now, and I can resist no longer:
You may be a Taliban if...
- You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
- You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
- You have more wives than teeth.
- You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
- You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
- You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
- You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
- You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
- You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
- You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
- You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
- You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
And one more, which I got from commenter Pistolero over at Ace of Spades HQ:
- You may be a Taliban if don't think the saying 'punishing the one eyed cleric' is a euphemism for male masturbation.
Now that's funny, I don't care who y'are.
I can't find the original to give credit to the author, but here's something useful I received via email (click for full-sized image):
The best You Tube mashup I've ever seen takes place when Star Trek is put to Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit:
"I'd rather be waterboarding", from ThoseShirts.com.
Now that's funny, I don't care who y'are.
A cross between Shakespeare in Love and the Making of Star Wars.
Yes, this has been kicking around the internet since it appeared on Fox's 1/2 Hour News Hour last May. But it's good enough that I wanted a copy for myself:
OxyClinton Video (3.8 MB wav file)
I happen to work with a guy that used to fly fighters off an aircraft carrier, so when I got this joke in the mail I just had to send it to him:
A C-130 was flying on a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll.
Now that's funny. You can see why I sent it to my fighter pilot friend. But his response was even better:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then the F-16 pilot, who had a much shorter mission, smoked back to base, debriefed, went to a bar, and got lots of attention from some hot babes who dig fighter pilots.
Chuck Norris wrote up a few tongue-in-cheek yet liberal-enraging promises that he would make if he were to run for president. My favorite:
Ask Al Gore to provide me with a special governmental study on the connection between spotted owl extinction and global warming. (I'm pretty sure Michael Moore will film the docudrama).
I didn't know Chuck was such a funny guy.
. . . because of a little streak of jealousy. Kim humor at its best.
Scott Adams thinks that the Taiwan government is pretty cool because "Jerry Springer-like fights" regularly break out in the legislature. Where most civilized people would look down their nose at this kind of behavior from our elected servants, Adams sees real potential:
Apparently this sort of thing happens all the time in Taiwan. A legislator objects to a parliamentary procedure and the next thing you know, the Minister of Shellfish is bitch-slapping him. A moment later, the air is filled with shoes, lunchboxes, and microphones. Can you imagine CSPAN’s ratings if we followed that model in America? I don’t think you’d be able to pry yourself away from the TV long enough to take a dump. You’d just sit there all day long with an adult diaper waiting for someone to sucker punch Teddy Kennedy.
I just can't get that picture out of my head. And he's right -- I'd pay for CSPAN to see that kind of stuff!
Adams has a thought on a withdrawal plan from Iraq. Funny stuff.
... and evidently is living in North Carolina:
An officer in New Bern, N.C., was Code 7 (out of service to eat) when he needed to take care of a 10-100 (go to the rest room), but that's when he inadvertently committed a ... well, it appears there is no copspeak for "forgot his gun in a public bathroom." But that's what happened when one of New Bern's finest was answering a call while at lunch at the local Subway, according to the New Bern Sun Journal. The nearly foot-long weapon was found quickly, probably by the next 10-100, and another officer dispatched to pick it up. The hungry, forgetful officer's name has not been released.
Remember, this is on the heels of last week's story in which weapons from handguns to "machine guns" were stolen out of a Raleigh, NC SWAT van.
Somehow, I just don't think that an NC cop is someone you would describe as "a frood who really knows where his towel is."
Up to 2,000 Japanese seem to have been swindled by an Australian company called "Poodles as Pets". They paid $1,600 for poodles, which usually retail for twice that in Japan.
The scam was uncovered when Japanese film star Maiko Kawamaki went on a talk-show and wondered why her new pet would not bark or eat dog food.
She was crestfallen when told it was a sheep.
Hundreds of other women got in touch with police to say they feared their new "poodle" was also a sheep.
One couple said they became suspicious when they took their "dog" to have its claws trimmed and were told it had hooves.
If there's one thing that Australia has, it's sheep. I can imagine someone buying a couple thousand sheep for a few dollars each, laughing as they trim 'em up with a poodle cut, then shipping them off and making over a quarter million dollars profit.
I mean, this is certainly wrong. But it sure is funny.
Spielberg and Hanks hold a press conference to back one of their own:
Spielberg's comments were taken as a message of permission, from the heart of Hollywood, for the influential entertainment industry to step outside the confines of the Democratic Party. Should Thompson decide to run, he will find the checkbooks of Hollywood opening for him.
Details at Maggie's Farm.
Now that's funny, I don't care who y'are!
An old southern Baptist country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be! And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher muttered in disgust, "he's gonna be a Congressman."
Hat Tip to John Derbyshire via non-blogging Advised by Wolves.
No doubt as a result of shopping for me, AlphaWife got put on a
pretty cool set of mailing lists. Recently, for instance, she got a catalog for X-TremeGeek.com which is just stock full of really, really cool stuff like the USB Rocket Launcher pictured on the right.
Don't want to go high-tech? Try their working miniature wooden trebuchet.
From from neodymium magnets to a far-out retro handset for your cell phone to a book on how to survive the impending robot uprising, this outfit has a lot of fun stuff.
But I had to take issue with the staple-free stapler that "makes old-fashioned metal staples obsolete". First, it only goes through five sheets of paper; handy for the stuff you write but it won't hold together that white paper on implementing SOA into your infrastructure.
Second is the marketing verbiage, "Impress your office mates and keep down office supply costs." Yeah, my office mates aren't that easily impressed, and 25,000 staples can be yours (from Staples, of course) for a mere $4.48, or 56% less than the $7.99 cost of their stapler. Anyone want to bet that the staple-free stapler will break before performing 25,000 "staples"?
November 21, 2006
- San Jose - Apple Computer Company
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Sung to the tune of Space Oddity (1969) by David Bowie
Published in the National Post
Ground control to jealous mom
Ground control to jealous mom
Take your wig and coat and put your diaper on
Ground control to jealous mom
Commencing car trip, engines on
Check steel mallet and take latex gloves with you
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five,
Four, three, two, one ... cat fight!
This is ground control to jealous mom
You've really pepper sprayed
And there's not enough space love for you to share
Now it's time to face the courtroom if you dare
This is jealous mom to ground control
I'm finding fame a bore
And my lawyers only care about their pay
And William Oefelein still won't come out to play
For here am I sitting in my jail cell an astronaut in chains
Time to say adieu to my former NASA crew
Though I'll sit through many days of trial I feel like I could kill
Any bimbo scientist who'd steal my beau
Even engineers have feelings don't you know
Ground control to jealous mom
No tabloids called, there's something wrong
Can you hear me, jealous mom?
Can you hear me, jealous mom?
Can you hear me, jealous mom? Can you....
A film short covering How to Wash Your Cat. (It's worth it once you skip past the credits.)
Marketing Stunt Terrorizes Boston. Chaos Ensues! Mayor Furious!
Boston authorities shut down a highway and turned out the bomb squads on fears of terrorism after spotting a "slew of blinking electronic signs" on bridges and other high-profile spots across the city.
Yep, that dangerous looking milkshake in LED looks like a terrorist to me!
Of course, the signs turned out to be nothing more than a creative advertising campaign for "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," a cartoon about a group of mystery-solving fast food items to be shown on Cartoon Network TV. Still, the mayor is threatening to sue Turner Broadcasting.
BTW, which Aqua Teen Hunger Force character are you? (I'm Master Shake)
Al Franken to run for Senate
Speaking of terror, rumor has it that failed radio mogul Al Franken is going to run for the US Senate in Minnesota, taking on incumbent Norm Coleman.
The news was not unexpected. Franken has been calling members of the Minnesota congressional delegation for their input on a run and he announced this week he would be leaving his show on Air America Radio on Feb. 14. He told listeners he would be making a decision on a race soon.
The only stunning news in all this is that Franken still has listeners.
BTW, Franken's political action committee is the "Midwest Values PAC", which (according to OpenSecrets.org) seems to rake in the most money from NY, CA, OR, WA, and in general every but the Midwest!
Look at the size of that tumor. It's huge!*
A woman kept telling the doctors that her weight gain wasn't due to her eating habits. Diagnosed with diabetes, high blood pressure and obesity, Taquela Hilton finally got a doctor to listen after at least 12 years.
The result was an operation that removed a 93 pound benign tumor - an ovarian cyst.
* Said in your best "Tiny Elvis" voice
Idiotic Headline of the Day
Bush, Dems Have Different Economic Views
Hey Planet Earth, Put a Cork In IT!
Volcanic pressure in Indonesia has been pushing out mud since May of last year, displacing 10,000 people and closing 20 factories. And it doesn't show any signs of slowing.
To stop it, geophysicists are going to drop 4,000 concrete balls that have been chained together in sets of four into the volcano's mouth. Even they don't think they can stop the flaming-hot mud's progress all together, but hope to create enough "friction" as the mud has to navigate through the barrier to significantly slow the flow. Says one "scientist":
It will make the mud tired. We're killing the mud softly.
Uh-huh. Sounds more like using BB's to stop a fire hose to me. This is the volcanic force of the planet Earth we're talking about here — the same forces that move tectonic plates around.
Milk Beer
When the United States gets a surplus of milk, our government turns to subsidies to prop up the dairy farmers. In Japan, an innovative liquor store owner turned his region's excess milk inventory into beer, soon to be marketed under the brand name "Bilk".
I wonder how it'll taste on cereal?
I swear, when I first started watching this I just knew it had to be a joke. But it's not, somebody really did this.
Redneck Bungee Jumping (2 MB download)
It's this kind of pioneering spirit that tamed the West, and it's this kind of raw courage that motivate rednecks to kill anyone who tries to invade and conquer. God bless rednecks, the salt of the earth and the bedrock of "flyover America"! (Don't you just love mixed metaphors?)
Yes, he's an anti-American ass, but I have to admit this guy really knows how to have fun:
Trap Shooting.wmv (Caution: 4.3 MB download)
Hat Tip to non-blogging Lisa P.
Effects Of Drugs And Alcohol On Spider Webs. Gotta see!
Hat Tip to non-blogging Advised by Wolves.
Nancy French lists last year's Blue State Blunders. My favorite:
September: The View host Rosie O’Donnell compares conservative Christians to Islamo-fascists: “Radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America where we have separation of church and state.” In response, roving bands of Presbyterians attack the New York subway system, Methodists issue a blistering fatwa, and Episcopalians blow themselves up in a nearby shopping mall after consuming their last Starbucks frappaccinos.
. . . 33 years makes. Received via email:
Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1973 - Vice principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with the principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.
1973 - Five high school boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1973 - Ants die.
2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
From the mind of Andy Bobrow (one of the writers on Malcolm in the Middle), a mockumentary short film:
The Old Negro Space Program
You have to admit, the photo editing is top rate.
Technorati tags: Humor, Mockumentary, Funny Videos, Humorous Short Films, Andy Bobrow, Old Negro Space Program, NASSA.
This may not be the funniest YouTube video ever, but it comes darn close: OK Go - Here It Goes Again
Only Scott Adams could work a phrase like this into a genuinely funny, funny post:
So the bottom line is that America is the father, the Islamic countries in the Middle East are the mother, and Israel is the offspring conceived by rape.
Well, OK, maybe it was the use of the phrase "ignorant, psycho, dickhead" that makes it so funny. Really. Go read.
Technorati tags: Humor, Dilbert Blog, Scott Adams, Israel, Palestine.
Hopefully, your day isn't starting out like this:
HT to Cute Overload, where you can go every single day to get something just as cute.
As seen by the Germans:
As seen by the French:
As seen by the Italians:
As seen by the Americans:
As reported by the Press:
If anyone knows where these came from, please let me know so I can either credit the source or remove it (if copyrighted).
Update: I finally found these on the UK media at The Register, along with some additions:
From a Japanese Gamer's perspective :
But wait! The Frenchman, he is so brave! He saves the Italian's life!:
It's Hammer time!:
But this one show real imagination, from Awful Forums (where there is much more):
Headbutts in Anime:
OK, so it was more of a shoe toss in anime.
Technorati Tags: Humor, World Cup Headbutt, Zinedine Zidane Headbutt.
Just as obviously, it fails. I got 12 out of 14 right (86%) and I am not a student of either person's rehtoric. It's pretty easy to tell them apart.
Take the Hitler vs. Coulter Quiz.
Technorati Tags: Humor, Project Management.
It was the first day of school and a new Latino student named Pedro Martinez entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?' "
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke"
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, another student yelled, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, and someone shouted, "Duck!"
The Teacher, just waking up asked, "Who said that?"
Pedro says, "Dick Cheney, 2006!"
Some of the submissions are a little strange, like this submission for Washington.
In case you're wondering, that's a "Northwest Native American stylized orca".
Some states seem downright unimaginative. New Mexico only has two proposed designs, one with balloons and one with a nuclear explosion.
How sad that a state is only known for the development of the most destructive man-made force ever developed. Jeez, at least submit a design of a scorpion or something.
Ah, but then there's Arizona, a state filled with humorous people. Citizens have submitted 63 designs to date.
Among them:
